What he was saying, in fact, was that half the women who had penetrative sex against their will did not believe it was rape, thinking perhaps it occurred because they were drunk or they had not made their wishes clear, or because the rapist was their boyfriend or husband: many of them felt that rape must involve violation by a stranger, not someone they knew and in a domestic situation. I am sure he is right.
However and wherever it occurs, rape is a terrible, indefensible act of abuse. For it to happen through a partner with whom the relationship continues on afterwards must be very hard, with the constant uncertainty as to whether it will happen again, and often it does. Just as domestic violence can become a habit, so too can forced sex - sometimes the two are linked - and concern for children or fear of reprisal can prevent a woman from, at least, leaving a destructive relationship let alone reporting it.
Rape is an ugly word, and if Nick Ross's comments help even one woman to see that she has been the victim of the crime of rape, and that she has a choice as to what to do about it, he will have done well. It is unfortunate that the process of investigation, prosecution and trial of rape seems harsh for victims and so a deterrent for reporting it formally, but hopefully a kinder process will come about one day. Meanwhile, we must not forget that men are raped too, which can be just as difficult to admit and report.
In the end it is as always all about choice, but it helps to choose what to do with clarity and understanding. If it happens to you or to a friend, and I hope with all my heart it does not, accept without excuse or euphemism that it was rape and then decide what, if anything, you will do. Seeing the truth can be painful, but necessary.]]>
